another mixed emotion day

went to ehcc last night (saturday night service). jake had camera duty and dani was going with us so... it was nice worshiping as a family again. two weeks in a row, that hasnt happened since diana and i left ehcc. was weird though... saw people and talked to people that... well.. didn't really care to. very awkward talking to josh.

diana and i are not sure what to do. we feel like it's best for our kids if we worship together (we know it is) but our kids dont want to go anywhere but ehcc. diana and i dont want to go to ehcc but... sacrifice for the sake of our kids is what were gonna do for now i guess idk.

when we see kids there it's so great. Juliea was there last night and i so miss her. i was so looking forward to being a part of her jr high life. she came and gave me a big hug the minute she saw me. then after service she hang out with me talking to me and telling me about her life and how much she missed me. :-( i miss her so much too... all the kids i miss so much. why is God doing this? what is His plan? why does he not want us to be involed in youth ministry? why has He not given us a place to serve as youth workers?

Sean Sikkema came and gave me a hug as well. I appreciated that but wonder if it's genuine. i miss our friendship but he's too busy to miss it i suspect.
i dont know if i can go to ehcc. i cant go through this every week. i get depressed, so sad, cry all over again. sitting in church i could see a couple kids and tears just came rushing down my cheeks. too many memories.

God speak to us... guide us... comfort me...
your heartbroken servant :-(